• Charges 99¢ a minute.
• Admits to being a Nazi war criminal.
• Stays on phone for entire session, in which you overhear several comments about “this fat loser that I’m working with right now.”
• Not sure what a “lunge” is.
• Insists that you wear thong and ass-less chaps during session.
• Keeps curling up under bench press bench and falling asleep.
• All instructions are in baby talk.
• Wears a shirt that reads “CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAITOR”
• Whips you across the back with belt while you’re doing rowing machine.
• Carries a water bottle filled with Jack Daniels.
• Hits you in the facew with pepper spray if you don’t finish a set.
• Keeps talking about some post his buddy Jack wrote on his dumbass blog.